For the last ten months I've been in a long distance relationship with a man that I've grown to truly care for. Through the course of the summer, we keep in close and daily contact. Unfortunately, his life has a long list of hardships and this pasting year was not better: he was jobless and homeless since last November. No worries. I'm not interested in his finances, I'm only twenty so marriage is very high on my day-to-day goals to accomplish, the entire Nation isn't at it's best. He was a great amount of protential. So I stuck with him, even did something that I've been for warned to never do: mix romance and finances. The reason for me offering money goes far more deeper than him simply not eating for two days but because I lied. I lied at the start. Yes, woman lie. And we lie very well for that matter.
When he was at his worst, this lie keep me from giving him what he really wanted.
Me.
So I told him. That was a little over a month ago. I tried everything to convince him that despite that unforgivable lie, I'm still the same person. Two days ago, I had a moment of clarity. This past month my mind has been on how I can get what I want.
His forgiveness.
I never really thought about how he must feel. I've complained to him more than once that I feel so stupid for giving him money, making hurtful and childish comments to my friends, getting upset when he never called, crying because he was so distant.
I did it all to myself.
He feels stupid, not me.
I thought back to all the people who've done everything but build him up and now I was one of those people. I might have been the most hurtful because he felt that he had finally someone who wasn't "playing a game", was supportive of him and his dreams, someone who returned his faith when he lost it, promised and ensured him that yes! he would successful and wasn't bound to achieve only what his mother, friends, his city and society said he could.
But, she was the worst out of all of them.
I've told him everything I've written and it was the hardest thing I've ever done because I could have never imagine that I would be the cause of someones unbearable pain. The cause of a broken heart.
He said it felt like some had died, the day after I told him.
I may not be truly aware of the extend of the pain I have caused. And my words of encouragement for him will no longer be meant for my heavy mind, but for him.
We're rebuilding.
This is how I think He feels about me at times.
James Morrison -"Broken Strings"
